Thursday 2 January 2014

The Last Resolution

I never normally make New Years resolutions, not now anyway. I used to make them, then would never stick to them and it would be a pointless exercise. I'd also be disappointed and there would probably be some self-beating for a bit too.
Now every New Year I make a promise to myself instead, two things. To be better and to be happy.
By being 'better', I don't mean in terms of competition. I don't want to beat anybody else (although it's nice to get recognition amongst your peers), I mean to get better as a person. To be polite, to be kinder, to not be selfish, to become more well-rounded, if you like. I try not to regret nowadays as it's easy to become lost in the past and forget about the future, but I'm a big believer in improvement. Everybody is constantly changing, whether it's personality, beliefs, the way we look. Events happen throughout your life that change the way you perceive things, meeting people and sharing new experiences all changes you. So long as those changes are for the better, I'm happy.
And that leads nicely on to my next aim: happiness. Happiness is always a tricky thing, it means different things to different people and sometimes you spend so much time looking for it you didn't realise you had it in the first place. Sometimes you think you are happy, when really you're just stalling the inevitable unhappiness that is just around the corner. These last few months for me have probably been some of the unhappiest times I have ever had, so striving for happiness in 2014 is even more important for me. My problem is working out what makes me happy and compromising so that I can be happy. For example, being a Care Assistant is not my dream job. There's nothing wrong with it, I enjoy it, but I don't see myself doing it forever. However, the 12 hour shifts enable me to volunteer at the primary school and run the choir, two things I absolutely love doing and would hate to give up at the moment. I only go to work 10 times in a month as I work long days, but not very often, so it leaves more days free for the theatre and for meeting with friends. 
I am always my happiest when surrounded by people, normally a small group, the friends and family I love. Over the course of 2013 I realised I was spending time with people that actually made me miserable. Letting them go was hard to do, but ultimately it'll make me happier. 
So no, no New Years resolutions for me, just a continuing improvement and a continuing discovery of what it's like to grow up and face the real world.

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